What I Wish I Knew During My Divorce

Before I became a divorce mediator, I was a parent going through a divorce that lasted ten and a half years.

There were two trials, an appeal, and numerous professionals involved in our family’s life. Eventually, mediation helped us reach a resolution. That experience shaped both my career and what I wish I had understood much earlier.

If I could sit beside the woman I was during those years, I would tell her this:

Before you spend more time and money asking the court to solve a family problem, pause and ask what kind of help your family actually needs.

When you are in the middle of a difficult divorce, it is understandable to look to the court for answers. You want someone to listen, understand what is happening, and make a decision that helps your children. When conversations with the other parent keep breaking down, asking a judge to settle the disagreement can feel like the only option left.

But the court’s ability to make a decision is different from its ability to help a family heal.

Judges are trained in the law. In Illinois divorce proceedings, guardians ad litem are attorneys appointed to investigate and make recommendations concerning children’s best interests. Their recommendations can carry considerable weight, but the judge makes the court’s decision. These are legal roles; they are not the same as being your family’s therapist.

Illinois law requires courts to consider a child’s individual circumstances when deciding parenting time, including the child’s needs, relationships, and wishes. Courts can also order counseling under specified circumstances. But a legal process, even one that considers your family carefully, cannot substitute for the ongoing work of understanding and addressing what is happening within your relationships.

Think about the disagreements that bring parents back to court: holiday schedules, vacation plans, parenting exchanges, or a child’s reluctance to spend time with a parent.

A court order can establish where a child is supposed to be on Sunday afternoon. The harder question may be why that child is struggling to go, what the child is experiencing, and what support the family needs.

Those questions deserve attention of their own.

If a child is resisting contact with a parent, I would want to understand the reasons before assuming the answer is another demand, another motion, or a particular therapeutic program. I would want qualified clinical guidance about whether therapy is appropriate, what its goals should be, and how the child’s safety and emotional needs will be addressed.

A licensed marriage and family therapist, a child therapist, or a clinician with relevant experience in parent-child relationship difficulties may bring expertise that a legal proceeding alone cannot provide. The professional’s qualifications and approach matter. Simply calling something “reunification therapy” would not answer my questions about whether it is appropriate for a particular child.

Looking back, I wish I had asked sooner: Are we spending our resources on the help our family needs? What do we hope this next court appearance will accomplish? And even if we get the order we want, what will still need to change?

For me, too much time and money went into a process that could not provide the kind of family help I was seeking. That is a painful lesson, and one I share because I know how difficult it is to see other possibilities when you are exhausted and afraid.

Today, as a divorce mediator, I encourage parents to step back before escalating a parenting disagreement. Where it is safe and appropriate, mediation gives parents space to work through practical arrangements and make decisions informed by their children’s lives. Therapeutic support can address emotional and relationship concerns that need a different kind of attention.

Sometimes court involvement is necessary, particularly when safety, abuse, coercion, or compliance with orders is at issue. Taking a step back does not mean ignoring an existing order or giving up needed legal protection.

It means being thoughtful about what you are asking each professional to do.

If I could tell my younger self one final thing, it would be this:

Your time, your money, and your children’s childhoods are precious. Before continuing the fight, make sure the path you are on can actually lead to the help your family needs.

Sharon Count is a divorce mediator, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst®, and founder of the Center for Divorce Resolution in Northfield, Illinois.